Joke Page #3

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THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES

LONG.

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS

ENJOYED BY MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.
IS
USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY
LOOSLEY
FOR INSTANT ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF
LITTLE HAIRY THINGS
AT ONE END AND
SMALL

HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT
IS INSERTED,
ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES
QUICKLY,
INTO
A WARM,

FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE
IT IS THRUST IN AND
DRAWN OUT AGAIN
AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE FOUND
LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE
THE RHYTHMIC,
PULSING
SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE
WELL LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.
WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, 

IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY,
FROTHY, WHITE STICKY
SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED 
CLEANING FROM
THE OUTER 
SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND
SOME OF FROM ITS
LONG GLISTENING
SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS
DONE AND THE FLOWING
AND CLEANSING 
LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED
EMANATING,
IT IS RETURNED TO
ITS  FREELY
HANGING STATE OF REST, READY
YET
FOR ANOTHER BIT
OF ACTION,
HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS
BRISTLING CLIMAX
TWICE OR THREE
TIMES A
DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY
GUESSED,

THE ANSWER ! TO
THE RIDDLE IS
NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
TOOTHBRUSH.........

what were you
thinking?

_____________________________________________

The Trade...

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when 

he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you

want for the mower?" asked the preacher. 

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little

boy.  After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take 

my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike

around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal!" 

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the

string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the 

little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long

since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, -

"Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

_____________________________________________

A twist on the fridge joke...

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.

"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.

But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift

off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was

cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the 

bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no 

one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was 

hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I 

got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.  

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

_____________________________________________

Various wit from various comics...

-  "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,

'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not!

If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

- "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it 

like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should 

give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they 

leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

-  "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.

'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered.

I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. 

Now I'll have to kill you too."  

-  "My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake 

and threw her off the boat.  I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" 

-  "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single

file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" 

- "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing:

This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

-  "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image

there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe 

laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before

you do the wash."

_____________________________________________

  

Top 10 Ways to know if you are using a Redneck's Computer...

10. The monitor is up on little blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have toebacky stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to four.

5. Every password is "Bubba."

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the side of the computer.

3. There's a Skoal can used for your beverage coaster.

2. The keyboard is painted in camoflage.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as the "critter."

_____________________________________________

Waiting in line at the Pearly Gates... 

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading 

through the Book to see if the guy's name there. After several minutes, St. Peter 

closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name 

written in the Book."  

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not

until my death was certain that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't 

arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to

come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm., well there was this one time when

I was driving down a road and I saw a group of bikers harassing this poor guy. 

I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this 

poor man.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked 

up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-5, 280 pounds, with a 

studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I 

walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to 

get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head

with the tire iron.  Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave 

this poor innocent girl alone!

You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you 

a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, truly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"Oh, about three minutes ago."

_____________________________________________

Dr. Chang's Diagnosis...

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date in quite

sometime.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she 

decided to employ the medical expertise of a therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese

specialist.  So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all  your

crose."  The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

Again,  the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf

Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,

"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your butt."

_____________________________________________

The Brothel...  

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.

Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn.

Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree.

Then he saw an other couple behind some bushes by the house. 

He walked up to the door of the house and knocked. 

A woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel," replied the madam. 

"Well, why is everyone doing it out on the lawn?" queried the man. 

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"

_____________________________________________

 Learning Chinaspeak...  

( English phrase followed by Chinese Interpretation )

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man -- Dum Gai

Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum

I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei

I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

_____________________________________________

Ten pieces of advice and truisms...

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape...

If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, 

use the tape.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship...

"I apologize" and "You are right."

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.

It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You 

might meet somebody!"

If he/she says that you are too good for him.her - believe them.

Never pass up the opportunity to pee.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Living well "really is" the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or

former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

And finally...Be really nice to your friends and family...

You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

_____________________________________________

A new friend... 

A guy that was paid very well to speak at a local business dinner rushed out

the door so fast he forgot to grab his false teeth. Just before it was time for

him to be announced, he turned to one of his table guests sadly and said to him -

"I can't do this, I forgot my false teeth".

The guy looks at him and says - "sure you can - try these", and reaches into

his jacket and pulls out a pair of false teeth.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man reaches again then says, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

"Ok, the guys says, I have one more pair... try these."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!"

With that, he gave a thundering speech. Af the speech, he went back to his

table to eat his dinner and to thank the new-found friend that just saved him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid, said the dinner speaker...

Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

"Dentist? replies the guy... I'm no Dentist... I'm the local undertaker!"

_____________________________________________

Watching baby sister...

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went into town.

He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

So he grabs his rod, the pail of worms and his sister and heads off.

He returns home with baby sis in tow and storms into the house.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his

mother said.

"No Ma, The boy said, It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"

_____________________________________________

A Hunting We Will DOH! ...

It was Saturday morning as Eric, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag

the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of

coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Cindy, sitting there, fully 

dressed in camouflage.

Eric asks her: "What are you up to?"

Cindy smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"

Eric, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to 

take her along.

Later they arrive at the hunting site. Eric sets his wife safely up in the 

tree stand and tells her:

"If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as 

soon as I hear the shot".

Eric walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Cindy couldn't bag an

elephant - much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Eric starts running back. As Eric gets closer to her stand, he hears

Cindy screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Eric races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her

yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Eric is surprised to see a

cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, 

says - "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my 

saddle off it!"

_____________________________________________

Little Johnny and Grandapa Games...

Little Johnny's house is packed with relatives for his grandparent's 

anniversary celebration.

Grandpa calls over to Little Johnny and starts asking about school, 

girlfriends and other stuff he can think of.

After a while, grandpa notices that Little Johnny is becoming bored with the

conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep 

him interested. A five and a twenty dollar bill.

He shows both bills to Little Johnny and tells him that he can keep any one 

he chooses.

Little Johnny reaches over and grabs the five dollar bill.

Grandpa, pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild

made, pulls out another five dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, 

he tells Little Johnny to take one of the bills and keep it.

Little Johnny grabs the other five. Grandpa again is surprised and upset. 

He takes Little Johnny over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Little 

Johnny is in choosing the five over the twenty.

Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Little

Johnny chooses the five over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to 

LJ's dad. The Dad's quite surprised but doesn't pay too much attention at 

the moment.

A few hours later, his dad, who is very concerned about Little Johnny's poor

decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between 

a five dollar bill and a twenty.  "Of course I do," answers Little Johnny.

"So why did you always choose the five over the twenty?" asks dad.

Little Johnny, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I had chosen the 

first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the same 

game fifteen more times?"

_____________________________________________

Watch what you ask for!...

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge

a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full.

The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it 

was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until 

he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to 

produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim,

and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented 

the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily,

"I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room,

and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
_____________________________________________

A self-made man?... 

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. 

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932.

The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. 

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the 

apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the 

entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued 

this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of 

$1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
_____________________________________________

Here's an early Mom's day tribute...a classic: 

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud 

with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The 

door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been 

knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front 

room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was

strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the 

counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the 

table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,

looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious

had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, 

reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home 

from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
_____________________________________________

A twist on Deja Vu... 

Have you ever had that creepy feeling you've been somewhere before that 

you've never been or think you've met someone that you're meeting for the 

very first time, or read confusing text like I'm writing here... that's 

Deja VU!

And so here's the JG twist on that TU...
deja shoo...what's on your feet.
deja flew...how you got there.
deja queue...waiting in line.
deja two...one plus one.
deja blue...feeling sad.
deja who...what was your name again?
deja stew...it's for dinner.
deja goo...slime and grime.
deja poo...stupid dog!

deja googoo...baby talk.
deja pew...ok, who farted?
deja brew...beer time.
deja zoo...my house in the morning.
deja moo...got milk?
deja BOO!...Casper talk.
deja woohoo...Homer Simpson talk.
deja sue...you'll be sorry now!
_____________________________________________

Signs Your Presidential Choice May Not Be The Right Choice...

Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that 

no one really cares.

Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state, the DC thingie, or the 

guy that wore the wig?"

At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"

Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once 

and for all.

Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"

Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."

His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."

On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.  

and finally... repeatedly asks - "Explain one more time what happens if I 

push this button."

_____________________________________________

A New Age Twist on some Old Phrases...

What boots up must come down.

Windows will never cease.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Modulation in all things.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

There's no place like http://www.home.com

Home is where you hang your @.

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C:\ is the root of all directories.

Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

A chat has nine lives.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

Speed thrills.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to surf 

the Web and he won't bother you for weeks.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.
_____________________________________________

Granny and Grandpa - still doing it! 

*** DING DONG - This joke contains an adult theme. STOP HERE if these 

types of jokes offend you or make you want to, oh never mind...

- On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went 

straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to 

comfort her. 

When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old

having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.  "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,

we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to

ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued,

"And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive

today!"
_____________________________________________

Some Out-Takes From The Hollywood Squares TV Show.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or False ... a pea can last as long as up to 5000 years.
A: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
   One is politics. What is the other?
A: Tape measures.

Q: According to Anne Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the 

 habit of kissing a lot of friends?
A: It got me out of the army!

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
_____________________________________________

The Veterinarian & the doctor.....

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, 

how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

"Hey look, I'm a vet and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of

questions:

I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a 

prescription, handed it to her and said -

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to

sleep!"
_____________________________________________

Some Random Thoughts... makes sense to me!...

I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.

This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!

Discover wildlife! Have kids!

Our policy is to always blame the computer.

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

Take my advice. I'm not using it!

Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face 

with spit on a hanky.

I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of the kids would you like?

By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
_____________________________________________

It's nice being a guy because:

We know stuff about tanks.

A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.

We can open all our own jars. (except the one's we leave in the fridge for 

a year.)

We can make decisions without a support group. (except driving directions.)

We can leave a motel bed unmade.

We can kill our own food.

We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.

Underwear is $10 a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate.

We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell us the truth.

We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He

must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become

lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.

We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades.

We don't have to shave below the neck.

A few belches are expected and tolerated.

One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

We can do our nails with a pocketknife or any other sharp object we find.
_____________________________________________

An Email From GOD...

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.

He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of

His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she 

told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second 

angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to

Earth for a time too.  When the angel returned he went to God and told him 

"Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was 

not good.
 

So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage 

them and give them a little something to help them keep going down the right 

path.  Do you know what that e-mail said?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer!

_____________________________________________

The Old Lady and the Bank.....


A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank
to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into
the president's office (the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,
so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash
around.
"Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win
that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a
witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side,again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no
way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to
the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls 

are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to
drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old
lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess
you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the
matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today,
I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

____________________________________________________ 

Rain or Shine...

A film crew was on location deep in the desert.

One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained. 

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire

the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, 

after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two 

weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," 

said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders - "No clue," he said. "radio broken."
_____________________________________________

OUCH!... 

A minister rushed from church one day to keep his golf date.

He's halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he 

heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball comes flying at him and blasts him 

square in the back.

Soon after, the golfer who had made the errant drive was on the scene to 

offer his apologies.  When the priest assured him that he was all right, 

the man smiled and added - "Thank goodness!" he exclaimed. "You know, 

I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can FINALLY tell 

my friends that got my first HOLY ONE!"
_____________________________________________

The Yeti...

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led 

by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed

peaks. Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of the 

expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them.

"One thing you must know before we proceed; DO NOT, under any circumstances,

touch the yeti!"

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell,

and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night, the Englishman 

awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half-asleep, he looked up 

to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing above him.

In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging

into the yeti in the process.

The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and 

began to chase the explorer down the slope.  

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, 

after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form 

of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just 

two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the 

explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he 

looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away,

once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest 

town, some fifty miles away.

The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival 

he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to

England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on 

the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Horrified by this sight, 

the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all 

the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the 

next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a

while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than 

two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding,

manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it 

-- somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could,

bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked 

behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into 

the open Scottish countryside.  He continued to run but the yeti just kept 

getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and

turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength 

he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him.

The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in terror.

The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest 

with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice the yeti said -

"TAG! - You're it!"
_____________________________________________

Two friends and a dog...

Two friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist, could never quite 

agree on any topic of discussion. One day the optimist decided he had found

a good way to pull his friend out of his continual pessimistic thinking.

The optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan?

Take the pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the optimist brought down a duck.

The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked

back to the boat.

The optimist looked at his pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about

that?"

The pessimist replied, "So, your dumb dog can't swim, can he?!"
_____________________________________________

The "only" parachute/crashing plane...

You are one of  two people on an airplane about to go down.

There is only one parachute. How do you react?

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in

multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in

order to make your next appointment.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage,

wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental

floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how

well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will

work in all cases.

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well

as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how

much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your

health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a 

number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of 

a plane is NOT harmful to your health.

_____________________________________________

The Internet - Bible Style!... 

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take

unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, 

broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town 

to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a

camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums

in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for

sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale 

can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums

rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at 

the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside

Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel

dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for

short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening

sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum

maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. 

And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother 

William's drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by

others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be 

known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.
_____________________________________________

To catch a thief... 

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on

in the garden shed, she could see it from the bedroom window.  But he

said that he hadn't been in the shed that day.  He looked himself, and

there were people in the shed, stealing things.

He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was

available to catch the thieves. He said, "OK," hung up, counted to 30 and rang 

the police again.

"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed?

Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all!"

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed

Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to the man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

He replied: "I thought YOU said there was no-one available!"
_____________________________________________

Taking Mom for her word...

A woman was teaching her kindergarten class when shenoticed a little boy at the

back of the class squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had justrecently been circumcised

and he was quite itchy. She told him to go down to the principal's office, phone

his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did, and returned to class. Suddenly, there was a hugecommotion at the back 

of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk

with his privates hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!!!" the teacher shouted.

"I did," he said, "Mom told me if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come

and pick me up!"

_____________________________________________

A last request granted...

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the 

follow morning.

Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when 

they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't 

want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he 

wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a 

cigarette and a blindfold.  "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with!"

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard.

"You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would

really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with 

NO interruptions."

The warden agrees and nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
_____________________________________________

A list of jobs I tried to hold down... ( Puns Intended :)

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't 

concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so 

they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly 

because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but 

I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't 

cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my 

net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the 

work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit

for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a

historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always

the same old grind.